These were emailed to me over the weekend. Some are new, some are
"oldies but goodies", but all are amusing. Enjoy!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last
one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back…Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did….
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow, and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job? I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word…He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help
me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing
with men's balls.
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts". My sister started to laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To
this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgustAnd annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times?My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty trainingAnd
I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands.It was very busy, with a full dining room while
enjoying my taco,I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
not asked to go potty in a while.I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said 'No'.I kept thinking'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me.'Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident? "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have
had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked
one more time,'Danny, did you have an accident? This time he jumped up,
Yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM,
IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made
me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing for 2 days, and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the
day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!
